Honesty

I'm not gonna' lie...I am nothing but a huge wad of stress, frustration, nerves, worry, jealousy, fear, and anxiety these days. I am extremely blessed to have been married to my best friend for six years and have the most amazing son. And I don't ever want to take those things for granted (or even sound like I am not grateful). But I titled this post "honesty" for a reason...because I am venting (more for myself than anything) my honest feelings and thoughts right now.

Let's be real...I am 35 years old, and shouldn't a 35 year old feel more settled and stable?? I feel neither of those things. And I never have. Is that ever going to happen? There comes the jealousy feeling, as I look around at people my age (and much younger) who own homes, have multiple kids, one or both have a stable career, and are settled into the place they will raise their families. I don't think it is wrong of me to want those same things. Jealousy. Frustration.

And then there is the stress, worry, anxiety...all about money. Will finances ever not be a cause of stress, worry, and anxiety?? Will there ever be a time when the thought of how we will pay for everything not consume me? Seriously, every single thing I do somehow brings my mind back to those thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can't even enjoy life because I am too busy worrying and stressing about finances. Right now, for example, (even as I write this) I am anxious and scared about how we will afford the $200 increase in Hadley's school/daycare starting next month, the substantial increase in my student loan payments that went into effect this month, the ridiculous medical bills that keep coming in the mail for the surgery I had in May (seriously...3 times more expensive than having a baby???), and everything else that comes dues everything month, all with the increase in our health insurance premiums about to go into effect (therefore reducing my actual paycheck). Seriously?? Stress. Frustration. Worry. Anxiety.

I just want to be able to enjoy life...enjoy being married to be best friend...enjoy watching Hadley learn new things...enjoy the little things in life. I don't think that is asking too much. I just wish I could do it.